Thursday, February 26, 2015

I Suffer from Depression.... I Suffer From Anxiety

I am not writing this  blog to get attention. In fact, attention is the last thing I want. What I want is for even one person who is like me to read this and realize they need help.

I have been a stay at home Mom since 2008, when my oldest daughter was 6 and my son was 4. I have never been good at keeping a clean house. In fact, my house resembled a hoarders episode (minus the animal feces and huge amounts of stuff) I am referring more to the counters covered in dishes, dirty floors, piles of dirty laundry, dirty bathrooms, etc. If company was coming it took 6 hours to clean sometimes. Honestly, I just didn't care about living in filth.I had my third child in 2010. We moved in 2012, and at first things were clean, but I fell back in to old habits and soon I was surrounded by clutter.

Things got worse though, Soon I began to have panic attacks about everything. Snow, making a simple phone call, grocery shopping, the mess in my house made me cry, but I couldn't clean it either. I couldn't bring my kids to the lake (the best part of living here) because the thought of cleaning all the sand and washing the towels and bathing suits made me a wreck. I really wasn't happy. My husband was working 60-70 hours on third shift, sleeping a few hours and waking up and cooking because I wasn't capable of taking care of anything. His temper wore thin, we argued often, things weren't the best.

Finally, I had had enough. I was sick of myself. I was sick of being half of a Mom, half of a wife and living in filth. I went to the doctor,  I was put on Zoloft. I wish I could say "We all lived happily ever after," but I can't. It wasn't helping. My dose was upped, still nothing. I was on the max dose and it didn't help. I began to feel like it was never going to help. Maybe I was beyond help. Maybe I was going to feel like this forever. I made an appointment for something else with a different doctor in the office, and she put me on Lexapro. Within a few weeks I began to feel like a different person. I woke up feeling like I could start my day.

It has literally been a month since my medicine was changed, I feel like a new person. I clean every day. If company were to come to my house right now I wouldn't cringe. I would welcome them into my home, apologize for the toys Peyton has strewn about the floor, but I would be okay. I cook dinner every night. I plan meals, I go to the store and buy the food. Things that before terrified me.

I am looking forward to spending as many days at the lake as possible as soon as it is warm enough to go. I don't want to hide from life anymore, I want to embrace it.

I hope that someone else who suffers reads this and realizes that there is something out there. Not every medicine works for everyone though, but don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and find something that does. Nobody should spend their lives afraid, especially when they have been blessed with children who deserve to have the best you that you can be.